Alea iacta est
by Shrike
Summary: Dilandau's POV... you'll understand the title whey you read the fic. I cannot decite if it's sad or actually a happy ending fic (under the circumstances) so you'll have to decide 4 yourselves


I don't own Dilandau, Jajuka, or Tenkuu no Escaflowne *sigh*  
  
Remember that scene in 25. episode when Dilandau sits in tent in a daze? Well this is something that could have been going trough his head at that time. . . I know it's incoherent and doesn't make much sense, but people's thoughts rarely do.  
  
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Tired, so tired. . .  
  
Today every movement hurts. I feel like I'm standing outside my body, somewhere between life and death. This world doesn't concern me any more. I just want to sleep; lay motionless and breathe. I don't care.  
  
Yesterday I had that nightmare again; little girl left alone, crying. I don't know who she is, or why is she in my head. I haven't seen too many children since. . . I can't remember when. Guess I never really had childhood. Ah, who cares! I just wish she'd disappear! Why do I feel her pain as my own? Why are her fears so real to me? It's impossible; I don't know how it feels to be a child! How could I know fear and abandonment!? I was never helpless! NEVER!  
  
Look, my hands are trembling. Wine doesn't help any more - it's just habit. It has no taste; nothing does. All colors are pale, sounds are fading away, people are. . . dying. There are not many of us left to die - only Jajuka and me. . . and I'm so tired.  
  
Tired of living, tired of fighting. I don't care about their stupid war and petty aspirations! What good will victory bring, if MY world is destroyed? I'm not a mindless beast, I FEEL. . . and know I'm falling apart. They are scared to tell me, but I see it in their eyes. Fear. Not the kind I used to get before - this is not respect, it's sheer terror. Sometimes I even scare myself. This . . . person doesn't feel like me. He has same eyes, hands, voice, but is somehow not the same. I don't know myself any more, can't recognize my own reflection. THIS JUST ISN'T ME! It's only shadow of my former self. Pale, vanishing shadow.  
  
Every day I feel there's less of me and more of this. . . emptiness inside my head. And screams. I CANNOT live with myself since they died! AND WHY!? Because I carelessly used and meaninglessly destroyed like there was no tomorrow. . . until tomorrow really came. Everything is so wrong now. I can't move on. There's no sense any more, no meaning. . .  
  
I cannot muster strength to believe I'm not broken beyond repair. I wish I could live in denial, but I'm aware. And it's pure dread. I cannot trust anybody. . . except one. Jajuka. He's trying to save me from myself, I know, but he doesn't know how deep and luring this wish for death in me is. Death I once imposed upon others is now imposing itself on me. Destruction has turned to self-destruction. He cannot begin to imagine. . . In spite of all the pain and hard life he endured, he's still a creature of light - he cannot comprehend darkness of abyss. He can care but never understand me. I don't know why is he still trying, there's nothing he can get from me but pain. Everything I touch - dies, and he has witnessed it too many times . . I guess I will never understand him either.  
  
I wish to sleep, but battle is beginning outside. I will be called, no. . . pushed in it again. But I don't care; I'm not afraid, I don't hate any more - there's no point. This shell of the man that once was me will go and fight again. Fighting is all I know, all I ever did and all I'll ever do. I know I'm losing the edge and exactly what that means. I just cannot bring myself to be concerned about it. . . too tired.  
  
This constant dull pain is reminding me I'm still alive. It follows me even in sleep, transforming into tears of that little girl. I don't hate her - can't. I somehow understand her desperation. . . But cannot help. I cannot even help myself. She's just my unavoidable nightmare, why should I care after all!? It's killing me, but I just cannot shake off this feeling that she's. . .real. Somehow living with me, inside me, watching, breathing, sharing my mind. I'm spending more and more time watching her live in my sleep. She's living while I'm dreaming, and it's so hard to be awake and endure my life lately. I cannot live with myself, so I let her live. Although small and alone, she seems happier than me. She has hope - the meaning I never had. My slumber makes shine of hope in her eyes brighter for some reason, and so I let her shine. It somehow comforting to know there IS some light in this soul, even if it's not entirely mine. I don't know her, but her world is so different form the one I escaped from, I sometimes wish I could stay there forever. . . and just sleep. The more time I spend in her world, the more vivid she seems. I could almost imagine her here, now. It's getting too easy to think of her as a real person. Too easy. . .  
  
Emptiness of my world is driving me crazy! I used to scream, feeling its long, icy fingers clutching my sanity, but all sounds die in that vacuum. So now I just silently watch it grow. And wait. Don't know what for exactly, maybe my final battle call. I can feel something coming, something terrible and beautiful at the same time. Or is it only my wishful thinking? One thing is certain, something must change. . . or break. These wounds won't heal, these days won't stop seeming endless, this war inside my head won't end.  
  
They call and I must go. This is the battle that will decide the war. Their and my war - I can feel it. Jajuka doesn't believe it, but I really am looking forward to it. Victor or corpse - either way I win. I go to war - shattered, reduced to nothing - and thus, with nothing more to lose. Fear the one who's not afraid to die! If we're defeated - I will be no more. If we're victorious - this fighter won't be needed for days to come, and I'll be allowed to sleep forever. Today is the day I will finally be free - from fighting, world, guilt, emptiness, madness. . . even from myself.  
  
Maybe I'll be my nightmare's dreams.  
  
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Damn I hate those 2 last episodes, so I had to write something to make that STUPID ending look better. I figured if Dilandau-kun gave in to Serena willingly, and if he's somewhere inside her, sleeping like an angel, by his own choice, this could kinda be a happy end or 1something. Who's BRIGHT idea was to turn him into a woman ANYWAY!? :) 


End file.
